The Weird, the Bad & the Unbearable

Surviving a World of Crazies
(a satirical essay)

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”
- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

People like to categorize things. Being a person, I’m no different. For example, I divide other people into 3 types. I do this for my amusement as well as for my safety. Although they might seem like vague catchall categories, the utility of such a classification of our fellow humans is indisputable. Mine may not be a scientifically precise schema, but it works. Keep in mind that there are borderline cases, people who are difficult to classify precisely. People can be ambiguous and deceptive buggers.

1. The WEIRD.
The first anthropological type that I’ve identified is the weird. These are your garden-variety, everyday, more or less regular folks. It includes neurotics, eccentrics and harmless weirdos as well as more conventional men and women who hide their weirdness - which is an innate characteristic of humanity. Generally, they make good friends and sometimes even decent lovers. You might even be one yourself. In fact, odds are you are weird: government-funded studies indicate that approximately three out of four people are merely weird and, therefore, not normally dangerous. Basket cases and tattoo addicts may be weird; then again, they may be unbearable (see category 3 below).

2. The BAD.
These are the truly awful people, mean-spirited geniuses or morons without a conscience. Do not be conned by them. Such humanoids are not bad in the the ironic slang sense of “bad” (meaning good). They are evil and must be exterminated. Or at least shunned. They operate with a constant death wish, either their own or perhaps yours, should you cross a bad guy’s path at the wrong time. The term encompasses everyone from perverted psychopaths like Milwaukee’s own Jeffrey Dahmer, sadistic dictators like Idi Amin and most armed compound dwellers. Throw in some neo-Nazis, a few Islamic jihadis and the pedophile next door and suddenly you’ve got a dangerous cocktail party of bad actors. Fortunately, such unregenerate assholes are relatively rare. But they make up for their low numbers by posing a threat to society’s very existence. They are the nuclear bombs in our midst. Defuse them if you dare!

3. The UNBEARABLE.
This is the sort of person who grates on the chalkboard of your nerves simply by being proximate. To illustrate this sizable sector of the population, imagine the boy or girl, man or woman who most frequently gets your goat. Who needles you with predictable frequency. Who pesters you persistently. Who provokes you, who mocks your defects mercilessly. They may be a busybody blood relative, a schoolyard bully or that obnoxious co-worker who plays loud gangster video games in the next cubicle. You are probably forced to spend considerable time in the company of these jerks, due to family or work obligations. Worse still, you have to pretend to their face not to detest their every annoying habit, quirk and tick. If you didn’t have a family or employment relationship, their unbearability could be easily curtailed or avoided. For me, it’s my father, who inflicted his name on me when I was a defenseless baby. Dad and I despise one another as only immediate family members can. Dysfunctional families are often fun on TV, but they rarely are in reality.

So, you may wonder, how does it benefit me to know which subspecies of homo sapiens I am dealing with in any given situation? Well, for your convenience I’ve reduced the answer to this acronym: WE BASh UnDEAD, which stands for
* Weirdo? Embrace ‘em.
* Bad? Annihilate or Shun ‘em.
* Unbearable? Don’t Even Answer the Door.
That little mnemonic device could save you hundreds of hours of grief or even prevent your imminent murder. The next time you sense discomfort in the presence of another, ask yourself (silently, of course): Is he weird, bad or merely unbearable? It could be a matter of life and death. Especially in the USA, which leads the world in the rate of bad and unbearable citizens. No wonder America’s prisons and jails are so full!

DISCLAIMER: The weird are sometimes suicidal, the truly bad are frequently homicidal and the unbearable will gradually smother your spirit with their tedium. Choose your companions and associates wisely, friend. Life’s too short to spend much of it among the non-weird. My advice? Find your own kind and enjoy peace of mind.